The Sky Mask

Hide the tears of sorrow my refuge,

Use the colors of the sky to paint the new mask

The damns that protect my heart, mind and soul have finally broken.

The demons and enemies must not see weakness.

They must not see that their attacks are working.

But be strong….silence…..hush your crying and sorrow… the rainbow is watching closely.

It needs your guidance and strength….hush and lend it your strength.

Build faster I think, no one must see this broken-down doll that I am.

Hide behind a pristine porcelain mask, get the material from the sky.

The sky is distracting, the blue is vivid and distracting.

No one will think to look behind it it’s incredible beauty.

Yes build faster…..a few words and the damn has broken again.

Never-ending destruction.

Protect this body with all your strength build faster, build it stronger.

She must not die from this new pain.

Paint the sky on her face no one will think to look behind the damn wall.

The sky is amazing, beautiful and distracting

Protect her mind, body and soul for she will not survive long without a stronger wall.

Build faster I say……Hurry…..Hurry

I beg you

Hurry.

All of us have ways in which we mask and cover our pain.

Iyanla Vanzant

Lines

I used to hide away from them you know, used to view them as an imperfection. These marks that filled my body and mind with shame. They used to make me weep and I hid them away from the world.

Until I came across my image on the harsh judgmental mirror on one fateful day. As my nude body was touched by the gentle morning sunlight, I paused and looked at myself in astonishment.

The mirror had been kind in the morning light.

The light highlighted my silhouette , tracing every curve and making my reflection sharp and focused. A slow smile crept out of my stunned face as pleasant memories filled my mind. As sense of ease filled me as I stared at each and every single mark that I had considered a stain on my skin, they suddenly glowed brightly drawing my gaze in and they implored me to look closer with a less critical eye.

I stiffened at first…I never looked at them closely but I gave in to their gentle pleading and let the muted light guide my gaze.

A sigh escaped my lips as I looked at the lines around my navel, my reward from motherhood. The lines were in oddly perfect circles and a sweet memory surfaced from the back of my sleepy mind. An image of me stroking my swollen belly with fascination as the growing new life inside of me moved around, warmed my heart.

My warped gaze move to the lines on the gentle swell of my breasts and a new image came of me of looking down at my child taking from me what my body had readily provided for her. A sweet soft smile gracing my lips as I watched her suckle me, the perfect bow of her lips, relaxed and content, peaceful. I took a shuddered breath as the memory pierced my soul. The lines continued to shine brightly and symphony of golden sunlight making the lines beautiful. I watched as the sun painted my lines with an artistic flair and a screenplay of my memories each attached to my lines showing me a sweet memory attached to it. I swallowed heavily as an acceptance of my lines penetrated my being.

These lines of my lines of mine that highlight my past and present. The natural tattoos of my body that appear as I go through the hazardous journey of my life….. I must embrace my lines and cling to them with a fierceness of a Valkyrie because they are mine and they are unique, they are mine and they are unique to me.

No one can wear them better than me……These lines of mine, which have finally settled onto my skin peacefully and I can finally wear them with pride.

My skin glowed brightly as the sun shined brighter as if approving of my acceptance and finally I couldn’t see my lines anymore they merged with me and they became one with me.

Happiness can exist only in acceptance.

George Orwell

Oh gosh really ………

Love is a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes that ranges from interpersonal affection (“I love my mother”) to pleasure (“I loved that meal”). It can refer to an emotion of a strong attraction and personal attachment. It can also be a virtue representing human kindness, compassion, and affection—”the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another”.

I’m in love with someone who just can’t love me back…….

How often have you found yourself realizing this statement…that you have been in someone’s shadow for almost a decade? Well I was one of those people. I found myself in a trap of my own making. You see…..the problem with being a creative is that we tend to accidentally create fantastic realities or versions of people. The problems begin when we start believing the stories in our heads. This is what happened to me….. I know embarrassing right. I created this passionate, fantastic reality, where the man I loved was perfect for me, totally dreamy. (I know I’m terrible)  A reality where we were in love and happy.

What I didn’t realize is that my desire to be with him had spiraled out of control. I became a love struck idiot (Which I despise by the way) and became someone I really wasn’t. I probably scared the crap out of the poor guy anyway but I doubt it. What made me wake up finally was when I finally took a long hard look at myself and I realized that I didn’t like what I saw.

For one when love becomes a constant pain, then something is seriously wrong.

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.

 

Paulo Coelho
Yes love usually has its fair share of pain but not constantly throughout the relationship.  If you have followed my blog before, I arrogantly stated love was a simple straight forward emotion, that can be easily recognized but I humbly take that statement back. Love is really complicated and hard to spot. At least the right type of love. As a human I think monitoring yourself is key so that you don’t end up trapping yourself to something similar to it. When love becomes obsessive it’s definitely not the right type of love. I found my life, my thoughts, my everything basically consumed by thoughts of this man and I also found myself seeking him out when he didn’t reach out to me.

There are a lot of things I did wrong with this man but I also recognize that I was also being strung along. I mean all he had to do most of the time was just make me laugh and all my worries would be forgotten. The moment he realized my concerns were raising their ugly head again, all he had to say is that he loved me too and my heart would melt and I would become a giddy sixteen year old again . I WAS stupid really….. Really there should be a Grammy for the kind of stupidity lol

Firstly any sane woman would have seen through what was going on but I loved my awesome reality. I loved the companionship and how easy everything was between us but the reality was….His love for me was a selfish love.

It’s harsh to even mention it but I’m sure in his own way he did care about me but the man loved keeping me in a gilded cage, feeding me whatever crumbs he knew would work to keep me complacent for as long as possible. Remember I said it was almost a decade before I realized what I was doing to myself.

I’ve finally stopped the pain I was causing myself by analyzing him too. The man is awesome, the best man I’ve ever known but when it came to me I think he couldn’t see himself with me, he probably liked my company more, I don’t know but I had to force myself to focus on the situation and not him.

Like I said the man is amazing, he has the most amazing drive that most men would envy and does not even recognize the word “No” in his vocabulary. He literally attacks life with so much positivity and enthusiasm, it makes any person in his circle what to join in the fun. He has always been so ambitious with every aspect of his life…..except when it came to me.

It took me so long to realize this I was actually embarrassed with myself. Almost a decade of longing for a man who wasn’t as passionate or as driven as I was about him. The ridiculous part is I actually still love the idiot but I needed to focus on me. So I cut off all contact with him because it was best for me and it was probably good for him too. I didn’t do the whole stupid farewell email thing (lol  believe me  I actually did once or twice 🙂 ), no texts, no nothing. I don’t think I had to explain myself, he seemed to just know. He didn’t even bother contacting me either……..

The word “LOVE” has always been an important factor for me. I’ve always hoped for a true love, a love where I could actually be myself and where he would have the freedom to be himself too, without either of us comprising who we were for the relationship to work but I ended up being infatuated with a man who in all intense purposes did not love me the same way. He probably considered me a friend and in my own fantastic world I turned the situation into more than it was. It’s no wonder people think most creatives are insane 🙂 It’s the only way I can actually explain the mess I found myself in.

I took a step back and my mind cleared and I’m actually myself again and I’m happy. I’ve started dating again and hanging out with a few of my guy friends and it’s actually a nice change. I of course won’t fully commit into anything until I get over my ordeal. My year so far has been awesome anyway and I have other positive life aspects of it to focus on.

I hope he actually finds the woman of his dreams (Just like I will find the man of my dreams) and I hope he continues being the awesome man that he is. 🙂

Focusing on the wrong thing

“We all have problems. The way we solve them is what makes us different.” ~Unknown

 

Sometimes I find myself looking at friends and family with wonder because I find most of the time people tend to make themselves really unhappy by focusing on the negatives that they have in their lives. I also find myself unconsciously pointing out all the positives they have in their lives and people look at me horrified like I’m cold. I’m not cold but maybe I could be accused of being too blunt sometimes but never cold or uncaring.
If people were willing enough to admit it, they would say honestly that their lives are not in constant turmoil. There is no way bad things are always happening to people. I find that it tends to be a specific period of time where everything is negative. In this I will try to list what I think has the possibility of helping people during hardship.
Firstly you should always focus on the positives in your life because no matter how much upheaval you have at the moment there is always a ray of sunshine somewhere. There is always that one person, that job you do well, your accomplishments, just an aspect of your life that is going well. Focus on that and all will be well soon before you even realise.

Secondly don’t make yourself into a victim of circumstance. We as humans tend to have a sense of “Why has this happened to me?” attitude. Well I ask you, why not you? Negative experiences always are a window of opportunity for us to learn something new about ourselves. They always bring out the best in us as a person, bring out our strengths and weakness in our character. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to pretend that I don’t go through the same phase. I do but I have learned how to chastise myself and force myself to remove myself from the victim box. As hard as it is I have also forced myself to recognise that in life nobody can hurt you without your permission, no situation can drag you down, it will only succeed in doing so if you let it. Action creates empowerment. It brings possibilities. It creates results. By taking action, you are no longer a passive recipient. You are a conscious creator. So refocus your life, relearn something you love, rediscover old hobbies anything that will propel you to a positive light. Remember as I said before they is always a ray of light, even in the darkest of times.

Sometimes people tend to blame themselves during hard time. I for one am guilty for this. I tend to blame myself for a lot of things and it’s something that I have yet to fully change in my life. I cannot stress it enough to you “IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT” It’s never anyone’s fault. Bad things happen, bad people thrive off pain and misery, and it is never anyone’s fault as soon as you accept that, bearing a negative challenge will always become easier.

We also need to try and not embrace our negative emotions. I am also guilty of this. I lash out in anger, frustration or I brood until I finally get a tight rein on my emotions. This will always happen to the best of us and it’s alright but it’s better to channel those emotions on something else or an activity. An incident is an incident; we’re responsible for the feelings attached. Remove the feelings and look at the situation objectify. This will help us cope a lot better. I find taking a walk or listening to classical music always calm the raging storms inside my head and heart. Never take out your problems or frustrations on other people. The problem will still remain whether you go berserk at it or whether you think about it calmly. The former will create more problems as your agitation prevents you from making good decisions. Remember your loved ones will always be there for you and you need to keep the lines of communication open.

I am not claiming I have the perfect formula to coping with negative events but this is something to help anyone cope with whatever issue is going on in their life. This would obviously not help with grief or deaths but like I said earlier on it can help you cope with it better. At the end of the day no matter what you may think, you’re not alone in this.

Somewhere around the world, someone else is thinking the exact same thing as you. Someone out there is feeling down and out too, wondering why he or she is experiencing this. Knowing it’s not just you helps you to get out of a self-victimizing mind-set. Life is a journey of learning and growth, and everything happens for a reason. Obstacles are the things trying stop you from getting your goals, and if you keep overcoming these obstacles, you’ll eventually get what you want.

No matter what bad stuff life throws your way, as long as you cope with it constructively, nothing can get you down.

Celestine Chua

A war of not his making

A cold breeze brushed against the tree, making the leaves shiver under the too bright sun. Most of the dust danced through the air, glinting off the sun, like little wisps of life fading in and out of focus but his gaze never flinched once to watch the miserable weather, his eyes choosing instead to watch the important being in his presence. He watched her as she slept and he couldn’t help but fall in love with her again. The sun played on her delicate pixie like pale features, her hair was shining like tawny gold as it glowed in the morning sun. He smiled slightly when she threw her arm sleepily on his side on the bed, reaching for him unconsciously, even in her sleep. His heart warmed when he took in her beautiful face and he committed every inch of it to his steel trap memory. She had an oval shaped face and her lips were full, puffy from sleep, her delicate ears framing a cute her button nose.

His gaze slowly went down to the slight bump under the bed covers. He carefully removed them, checking to see if she was still asleep and gently placed his ear on her swelling belly. A flurry of swift, successful kicks got him on the cheek and he couldn’t help but laugh huskily, his voice raw and heavy with emotion.

He felt her stir and her eyes slowly fluttered open, a slow sleepy smile gracing her lips. A pair of arched eyebrows looked down on sweeping eyelashes and fanned him a little as they blinked rapidly as she forced the sleep from her eyes. It was a pleasure to see her glowing with life when she fully woke up from her sleep, her gaze scanning his face at once. Her enticing, constellation-blue eyes gazed at him with humor when he once again provoked the growing life inside her womb. More vicious kicks got him on his five o’clock shadow and his mind recorded her beautiful sing song voice as she giggled at his funny antics.

Her lips tasted strawberry sweet when he finally moved up to kiss her softly. She sighed sweetly and her smile faltered when she looked into his eyes. He had tried hard to hide his feelings but he knew it was pointless. The woman had always managed somehow to read his mind. He turned his gaze away and he looked at the thing that had visited a dark cloud on his doorstep this morning, sitting ominously on her dressing table. A single parchment of paper, which once again, had a jumble of complicated words that described a mission that did not make sense to him.

His heart struggled to sit up from the bed and he helped her , still not looking at her. She gently grabbed his square chin and moved his gaze back to hers. He saw her eyes flicker to her dressing table and he despaired when her eyes filled with pain. She rested her forehead on his and sighed heavily, her hand cradling his cheek. They stayed like that for what felt like hours until the cry of their child broke their troubled peace.

He swallowed heavily, a strange thickness filling his throat and he abruptly got up to tend to his sweet little daughter.

She couldn’t help but stare out of the window to escape her pain. She had to be strong for him, it’s not like she hadn’t known what she had signed up for. But god, they had fooled her for a little while, giving her a short time to create her small family, too few memories and an incredible fear, which no one including her lover could ease. God they had fooled her. A lone tear rolled down her cheek and she swiped at it angrily. She could not show weakness, pain, and sadness or else he would worry about them nonstop. His burdens where already too high as it was. A whole country resting on his shoulders apparently. His bravery needed for a mission with an incomplete picture.

She had to show him strength and comfort before they took him away from her again. Make sure he had a safe haven when he returned home. She closed her eyes as the venomous pain overwhelmed her and desperately tried to purge herself of the poison before he came back into the room, forced herself to remember the day he first asked her out to a date. Her mind formed a picture perfect scene of her being in a local diner for almost a month. He had been a popular boy at high school, a muscle bound football jock but something had drawn her then teenage mind. It had nothing to do with his young strong body or with his incredible looks. No….when she really put her mind to it, it had been his mind, his secret love for learning , she had seen his high grades, had seen him hunting the library for new exciting books.

She had gone to that diner every Tuesday for an entire month trying to build up the courage to just greet him but had failed miserably every time because of the cuter, popular girls fawning around him. Finally feeling fed up for even trying to talk to him,  an outcast because of her unnatural love of books and learning, she had scolded herself  and had stood up to flee, ashamed. But before she could make it to the glass double doors, she had felt a gentle tap on her shoulder and had gasped surprised when he had shot his trademark  beaming smile right at her.

Her heart lightened immediately as the memories warmed her bruised soul. She had never figured out why he had chosen her out of all the harem of beautiful high school girls. When she asked him, he always simply smiled at her and gave her the sweetest kiss, chasing away the foreign doubt from her mind. Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted when her beautiful little cherub slammed the door open and ran straight towards her, chasing away the dark storm brewing in her heart temporarily. The time to cry would be for later, in the darkness of the night, when all was quiet and calm.

His heart almost stopped when he saw her puffy eyes. He didn’t say anything, and she didn’t need to say anything to him either. One look in her tainted blue eyes told him everything, he needed to know. He could see the sorrow in her eyes as clearly as if he was speaking her thoughts and emotions aloud. The dull glint they had, revealed a world of darkness and even though she would try her best to hide it from him with a beautiful fake smile, her eyes revealed it all to him, all her pain. The dark, bright less eyes that mourned her despair… would cry to him until his time to leave came closer. He smiled back at her weakly, picking up his wiggly little princess, placed her next to his queen on their bed and for that moment held them in his arms as if protecting them from all the evils of the world. His heart held on tightly to him and for once the little princess stilled in the moment not disturbing it. He mentally built a wall of joy and peace around them for the day, loving them as best he could for that single day. Creating a little heaven for them, creating new unforgettable memories for them that they would hold tightly to their sad beating hearts as a torch to guide him safely home to them. His heart heavy with an inexplicable sorrow because he knew that yet again, he would have to leave his heart’s treasures behind, to fight a war not his making.

The value of being positive

This year I found that being positive is a valuable commodity in life. It is something that I hope to teach my daughter as she grows up. In today’s world I find that humans tend to focus on the useless things that don’t really matter when it comes to the crux of it. Sometimes people want to focus too much on the past. It always ends up looking petty and ugly when start dredging up the past. When people want to hurt each other’s feeling they always mention each other’s past failures creating awful illusions of unsuccessful quests which have nothing to do with who the person is now. Humans need to stop this.

I for one, believe in the beautiful way children think. Children have this innocent way of leaving tomorrow behind. They always wake up with a clean slate creating room for a new day, a new future. No matter how bad the previous day went, they always restart the day with a new child like wonder. I always watch my daughter when I cant give her my full time, she is always disappointed at first, then I wake her the next day for school and she has nothing but  a beautiful, radiant smile to offer me.

I am happy with the way I conducted my life this year. The moment I decided to be positive and began to realize no matter how awful the situation, that everything will always eventually work itself out. I am glad to say it has given me a new fresh perspective on my life and has made me realize the numerous negatives that surrounded my small world.

I realized that I allowed  too many people stir my decisions and I let them dictate how I conducted myself in front of society. I tried so hard to convince a lot of people who could have cared less about me that I was a good person but only ended making things worse for my state of mind. I’ve always had a bad habit of putting myself last but I when I finally put ME this year it became the best year of myself. I felt un- judged, happy , content and for once in a long while I felt the pressure of the world fade away and I was finally able to embrace the positive gifts I had in my life. Every became HD ready clear and I was pumped at all the positive beauty I was missing out.

I cannot tell people how to live their lives or direct them on the way they should handle the challenges that this harrowing life offers but I can at least tell you that there is a way to finally live out the rest of your remaining years.  I will leave you with a positive thought and a small and a hope that one day you will gain your own path to your own happiness.

What is it about rain?

What is it about rain?

Huh…. What is it about the rain that soothes the mind and soul?

Its steady stream clears your mind from the emotional clutter, and gives you an almost peaceful embrace

It always drugs you into this deep dreamless sleep, granting you reprieve from the god of sleep Morpheus

What is it about the rain that makes you view the earth in a new light?

That makes you take a deep breath and fills you with a sense of well being

It clears my pain and hides my tears as I struggle in this unruly earth

What is it about the rain which almost reminds you of a lovers touch oh so long ago?

Inhale deeply, clear your lungs, and let the rain kiss away your fears, for the moment a clam serine settles over you.

What is it about the rain, which makes my heart ache for all the things that never have?

(Signs)…..What is it about the rain? Will I ever know?

The first kiss

Our eyes locked for what seemed like an entirety

My breath catching as your hand brushes my cheek with feather touch

My mind started clouding, erasing my good judgment for that moment

All the sounds of the world quieten down as they watch a magical scene

I trail butterfly kisses along your jaw enjoying the way you react to the exquisite torture

You smile at me gently and trace your fingers along my arm and pull me closer

You look at me for a while as if you’re trying to read my soul as if to determine if my love for you is real

And when you finally you kiss me…..

Symphonies of sensations run through my body, my mind alerting me that I have finally arrived home in your arms.

All my five senses blend together into a ball of warmth and open the gate to my heart an inch at a time.

My heart thunders so loudly that I think you could almost hear the rhythm that it’s playing

Molten lava courses through my veins administering a heat that trickles down my body with the intensity of a thousand suns

Telling me, my soul mate has finally arrived, I whimper as you put your hands around my waist,

As the kiss continues on, my head fills up with images of the future, memories of how we first met and finally with slight caution I hope for a fairy tale ending

When you pull away from me, we grin at each other like little fools and you tread your fingers with mine and bring up my hand to your lips and you kiss it gently

My goodness the first kiss of a relationship, it’s wonderful isn’t it?

Quite intriguing when you look at it at a woman’s point of view
Don’t you think?

An epiphany

My eyes flutter open as the sun tickles my cheeks with its tantalizing warmth,

The sky staring back at me in all it’s beautiful glory,

Its fluffy white clouds gently playing in its clear blue background

I inhale deeply as the smell of warm grass plays with my senses inviting me in a game of what is that smell

I smell…..clean air, I smell….. The earth being backed by the sunlit smell……. a symphony of the elements of the earth playing with me….wind …fire…water….metal…wood

They all merge into one seductive scent.

They tease my senses until I sign with pleasure and gently lull me into a drugged state of relaxation.

I hear the birds singing to me in a unified harmony and even though I do not understand the words,

I understand the reasoning behind the music, their need to sing.

My mind becomes blank and my muscles let go of the tension that has been weighing them down for months,

I feel my body molding into the earth as I slowly become one with it

Then it hits me as the nature around me celebrates my lack of stress

They roll together into one entity , they smile and touch my cheek and sing a sweet symphony of love and stillness

They tell me I need Peace…. I need sleep… I need to rest…..

I need to take care of me